I want you to know
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
if each day,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.
my friend shared this poem with me a few years ago. "he sounds like a coward," she said.
my friend went on to explain: the speaker’s love is conditional—dependent on reciprocation and the meeting of his needs first. “he hides behind pretenses of apathy…prettily written, but he’s just not being a man.”
and that conversation was two years ago and over gchat but i’ve never forgotten it and never stopped thinking that i should very much like to love as a man should love and not as a coward. i should very much like to speak plainly and say what i mean and tell people what they truly mean to me. i want to be stupidly loyal but not blind. i hope that i would never allow uncertainty or the possibility of failure to be the thing that stops me from trying. i’d like very much to love nobly, to love idiotically, to love sacrificially, and to love in a way that is powerful and fresh and unexpected and surreal.
and i know i can’t, not of my own will. but i know someone who can.
and He is teaching me.